Mom Guilt

I feel like I should make myself a t-shirt to wear on every trip that bluntly reads, "Mom Guilt", so that everyone knows what I am feeling. Now imagine if all my fellow moms were to wear that shirt when they were feeling it. I could totally use the "I know what your feeling" remarks from a total stranger every now and then, or a friendly, "Welcome to the Mom Guilt Club" smile.  If you are a parent, you get what I'm saying.  

I know that my kids are fine. Yes, they miss me and are pretty darn good at drudging up the mom guilt quickly when they want something, but they are also incredibly understanding of my work schedule.  I equate the mom guilt feeling to the adrenaline at the start of a race, when you can't sit still and you have to pee. It's instinctual. As soon as I start packing my bags, the mom guilt pang hits.  It starts in my head and works its way down into my heart, and it doesn't really go away until I bust through the front door at the end of a trip. 

But mom guilt is also a good thing, right? I mean, it stems from love and keeps us grounded. I'm mean, I'm writing this on an airplane while I am knee deep in feeling...So I guess that means I have learned how to deal with it, or at least manage it. For my experience as a traveling, working mom, here is my best effort at 5 Ways to Help Manage Mom Guilt:

1. Talk to your kids. Tell your kids about why you work and the importance of contributing to the financial well being of the family. (To be frank, I ask them about all their activities and remind them that they cost money. Mom and dad need to help with all our bills so we can have more fun together.)
2. Face Time or Skype.  Be a part of bedtime from you computer or phone on the road.  Once the kids get used to it, they will talk to you (or ignore you) like you are right there with them.  You can even read with your kids.
3. Share your schedule ahead of time. I find that my kids don't appreciate when I spring my work trips on them. They want to know if mom is going to be there in the morning or not. Don't avoid it, deal with it.
4. Let them react.  If you kid wants to be mad at you or sad at you for being gone, sometimes the painful truth is we need to let them and just take it.  Sit back and hear them out. Tell them you understand and love them so very much.  Even young kids sometimes just need to vent.
5. Show them where you are going.  I do this especially when I am working with my charities. If I can connect my kids to what I am doing, then it feels like I have a team of support back home, and they feel more involved.

Hope these help! If you have other tips for dealing with mom guilt, share them! We moms need all the coping mechanisms we can get :)

The new(er) role of dad

It takes a village. We’ve all heard the expression and most of us would agree with the sentiment when it comes to raising children. What we often fail to recognize is that the dynamic of the American family is so much different than that of our parents.  When my mom and dad were raising my brother and I, my mom claims that my dad never changed a single  diaper.  Who knows if that's really true…my dad claims to "not remember", but the fact is... even if it isn't true, it isn't far off.  And I know my dad wasn't the only one. That was just the way of things at that time.

Erik with Skye & Spider

Today, however, things have change. The role of the fella in my family is a much more active member of the team on every level.  Let's face it, in today’s family with working moms and dads, and more activities than ever for our children, we all have to pull our weight. Whether that’s carpool or laundry, cooking or emptying the dishwasher (how in the world can it fill up every single day, sometimes twice???!) In order for the wheel to turn, moms and dads have learned to divide and conquer.  And while this mentality did not appear over night, and took quite a few arguments to see eye-to-eye on what it takes to keep this machine working, it’s the only it works for our family & our relationship. 

For example, if I am getting the kids dressed, Erik is packing their lunches.  When I ask for a girls’ night out, he picks a night for hockey.  And although he still asks me to text him the grocery list, he doesn't mind stopping by the store. He’s learning to embrace these tasks.  So anyone who thought that teamwork was just for sports, you missed a lesson. Teamwork is essential to a healthy, happy and thriving home life as well.   

If only I could be in 2 places at once!

Tonight is a huge night for my 5 year old little girl. She has been working for this moment since October. I will never forget her first day of dance...a little shy, all smiles and sporting the cutest mismatched dance outfit an non-dance mommy could put together.

When I signed Skye up for "Intro to ballet/tap II" I was told to mark down a very important date, June 13th! It immediately went on my calendar with a mild concern. See, whenever anything is written on my calendar that far in advance, work has a tendency to get in the way. And sure enough it has.

For 8 months Skye has gone from school to Dance Tech where she has snacked on her school lunch while giggly putting on her tights, tutu and ballet slippers. We have, together, mastered the art of the perfect arrangement of her tights in the toe region. (Why they put the seam at the end of the toe, I will never know)
She has learned her positions, perfected her leap and made great friends with her fellow ballet beauties.

Tonight at approximately 6:25pm my daughter will take the "big stage" for her first ever recital. She will have her beautiful costume on with the band aids carefully stick to her sides where it rubs. She will have her hair back in a super tight and slightly high ponytail, just the way she likes it. Her hair piece and bracelets that go with her costume will be secure. And, I am sure daddy will get those tights in the exact spot on her toes to make her happy. I will be in Orlando gearing up for my big event. I am thrilled to be a part of this event but as a mom, I am sad...words cannot describe how I wish I could be in 2 places at once. But the fact is, I will miss this one. I told her I would not be there to see her during our special time together yesterday and the funny thing is, she didn't seem to mind one bit...guess it's just mommy.

I realize am not the only parent missing their child's recital and I realize there will be many more that I will attend. A friend said something interesting to me the other day. He said, "They only remember when you are there." Funny thing is, I remember when I am not. From 2,000 miles away, I will hop on the phone with my husband, get the details and beam with pride. And, if I am lucky, she will re-enact her BIG moment just for me on the BIG stage right in our living room.

Teamwork parenting makes for a happy family!

Soon after my son was born, I had this overwhelming desire to get back to work. I think part of it stemmed from the love of my job and part of it stemmed from wanting and needing to contribute financially to my family. Regardless, the desire was there and I dove in head first.

My husband, Erik, and I discussed my decision at length and he could tell right away that there was no stopping me. He was in his last few years of ski racing and had his sights set on standing atop the podium, winning his first World Cup. He had given up all of his contracts to ski on the best skis possible which I felt was beyond admirable. I took it as a time for me to step up and pay some bills.

My first job back was with the NFL Players Association. Spider was about 4 months old and Skye was a few days shy of 2. Life was hectic at that stage but I remember loving every second of my time with them. They came with me to Washington DC and my dad came along to help. (It really does take a village) That trip was just the beginning, Spider and Skye logged so many miles with me that Spring and Summer, they earned a few free tickets on Delta. We shot a commercial for the 2008 Olympics, we went to Omaha for the US Olympic Swimming Trials. On each trip I somehow convinced a family member to join me and we soaked up our time together.

In Dec, Erik decided to retire from ski racing. He was 36 and it had been his career since the age of 16. Twenty years on the US Ski Team, 3 Olympic Games and countless World Championships. Going from a full time professional athlete to a full time daddy was a bit of an adjustment. We worked through a ton over the next 2 years to where we are at today. Lots of conversation about teamwork in parenting and I am proud to say it has paid off big time.

Both my husband and I are working parents. One person's career is not more important than the other and we stopped keeping score long ago….that NEVER gets you anywhere. We broke it down to it's simplest form….We want to raise happy, healthy, loving and respectful kids. The key word being, WE! Therefore we both step up big time when the other person is gone or in major work mode.

I am still traveling quite a bit (averaging about 3 days every 2 weeks) and get to take the kids every now and then. But when I don't, I know that I have my other half at home who is thrilled to be their rock. There was a time when I would give my husband my schedule and he was less than enthusiastic but now, he gets it and rises to the challenge. Although I miss my family big time, I don't apologize anymore for being gone, it is a part of our system. One thing we try to do consistently is thank each other for all they do…because we both know, first hand, how much effort it takes. Teamwork parenting has made our marriage so much stronger, words cannot describe it properly.

Right now I am in Bentonville, AR while my kids are at home with their daddy. I told them last night that I was going to be gone for a couple of days and they said, "Who will be watching us?" I said, "Daddy!" Their faces lit up!

Just Because.

Last week I flew to LA on Monday...in and out in a day. Then, on Wed, flew to NYC where I worked until Friday and came home. All the while my back was still hurting me...arghhh, those flights are so hard on a bad back! Anyway, I survived just fine and had a lot of fun with my work and mom(whom I took with me). But I have yet to really catch up on my sleep.

My girlfriend noticed this. We met her for bowling on Sunday night and I was exhausted...but she could tell. Well, you know what she did??? She dropped off flowers at my house for me...just because! I love the "just because". I think it is one of the most thoughtful things anybody can do. She cared about me enough to notice that I was draggin and did something to make me smile. I actually think she could have put a poopy diaper on my front stoop as long as she said it was to make me smile!

I love my friends. They mean so much to me. Some I get to see more than others. Some I get to talk more to than others. But all of them are near and dear to my heart. I was talking to one of my friends the other day and she said that she was going to make a very conscious effort to put more time and energy into her girlfriend relationships. I told her that that is my goal as well. And, it isn't easy.

As working moms, we are pulled in every single direction. I want to be EVERYWHERE, doing EVERYTHING and that is just not possible. Some things have to give just a bit so that I can have some girlfriend time. Then, once you organize your calendar, you have to make sure it jives with all your friends. But making the commitment is VERY worth it. I love friends. I love how rich they make my life and I hope to make them smile with "just because" gifts every now and then too!